Billet doux

Ysabelle,

I quest for you in the midst of nowhere. And without much work I found you right beside me telling me that you’re ready to be a friend. There was smile, love, passion and all was history.

Your advent made me realize that I am not alone. That as a normal human being, I could again fall in love, this is the only moment that I realized how wonderful I am as a creation of Someone up there.

I may not be that knowledgeable about everything that you know. Your thoughts, aspirations and goals I may never understand. But the more I don’t comprehend these things, the greater urge in me to discover you more.

I may not that vocal about how I feel, for I know that it is clearly implied you knew it. Others call me insane and stupid knowing how I feel for you. In defense, I would say that there is much insanity and stupidity if I deny how much I desire of you.

Your eyes would tell me how good your soul is. Yours lips would give me a smile that would make me blissful for the next 24 strikes of the clock. How I wish those were of my possession.

Each day my craving for your attention increases, my demand goes up, my satisfaction isn’t fulfilled. Tonight, I’m looking at the endless sky. The darkness of the night gave me a wonderful thought of you that busied my senses. Suddenly, the drops of the evening dew showered upon my face, never expecting for you to come and fill up my senses. It was too late that I realized how deep I slept that night.

My heart and mind just can’t accept why there’s no possibility of you becoming mine; that you belong to another world, to another someone whose face I’d rather not see.

I know of love as a thing to be reciprocated it was only in my case that it could never go that way.


With great affection,


Louise

====================================================================================

Louise,


Everything seems to be in order tonight. The cool clouds are enveloping the sky, preventing me from seeing those stars; the stars that the two of us have together chained as our constellation of love.

There is serenity in that October affair, when the sun is at its softest ray and the breeze is blowing with star dust reminding people of the approaching yuletide.

We were unmindful of the unfriendly weather; we ignored the howling of the dogs and the crisp laughter of the jackals. All we know is that Cupid has conquered both of our worlds and fused it into one serene paradise.

We barely know each other and we don’t recognize the art of love yet, we blindly accepted each other. Like poor begging for alms, we opened up and embraced the miracle we are in.

Day by day your letters were regular visitors knocking at my doorsteps. Now I could spell ugly as beauty and boredom, glee. You turned my world from a crazy maniac to one tamed beast. I couldn’t ask for more.

From that day that I found that the God of Love is with me in my heart, I started to appreciate the blue sky and the red cardinal, the golden wheat and the tired peasant. It was but a world full of color.

But then it was only the beginning. Until I awake from the deep slumber that was fantasy, the sweet dream was nothing but grim nightmare. And with a hundred decibels I cry, awakening the monster of the underworld; the same beast that claimed the Adonis of my life.

Alas! It is still time for sorrow. For our worlds are separated by the great distance of heaven and earth; of jealousy and hatred. And I can only cry as what is used to be until I am eaten by Misery. My love isn’t love, until I set you free.


Ysabelle

The Other Friend

WORRIED.

Days after my birthday I got a strange sms from one of my classmates in high school. It was a shocking news to hear that my former high school buddy, Alfred Mendoza y Ortiz met an accident while on board a motorcyle somewhere in Agdangan, Quezon where he works for a construction firm.

It could have been any accident met by anybody I know. But Alfred was someone who I closely hold dear into my heart. His cranium (a part in his skeletal system or what we mostly know as skull) was fractured that brought severe effects on him. He was on coma for some days but was able to recover with only his left extremities paralyzed.

Days after that I found out that he's already home resting and recovering from the accident. I was, of course, worried and sad about his fate, but there is really nothing that I can do but to pray for his fast recovery.

If you would ask me if I bother visit him in the hospital, I did not. for some reasons that I have hidden deep in my heart and mind.

THE STORY THAT WAS ALFRED

I met Alfred when I was freshman in high school. He was sure a cute guy that almost all admired and looked to with a smile. He was snappy, neat, smarty casual and appealing. He was from Manila, from Tondo to be specific, where he graduated from elementary. He told that me has no father anymore because he died when he was still young. He has four siblings and the second among the brood.

When we were in our high school, he would always join my barkada (I'm not going to mention them here) because he likes it when I play jokes and just be myself and play with them. Then he told me one day that he really wanted to be with me always because it was all fun and all happy whenever he's with me. So i welcomed him like a brother. That was how it used to be until when we're in our second year in high school.

In our Sophomore year, we would be together almost every single day. We would eat lunch together, go to recess, do our homework, projects and just about any other things in class, even outside the school. Stroll the city suburb, go to parks and garden, play chess and arcade. We would go to my place or his place whenever shortened period every Friday would come and just hang out with each other's company. We were close buddies that all, I assumed and I assumed correctly, were not giving this a good credit. But I don't need that. The important thing is we are happy as very close friends.

He was such a nice friend. He was so generous of everything that he has, time and attention included. It was only Alfred and Ysrael then when we were in high school. no more or less. But there's no romantic things between us, just plain friends.

But then I forgot to entertain other people inside the class. They would become jealous how Alfred and i were going on for the last 5 months of class because we tend to seclude them from our friendship. It's because we're best of friends and I see nothing wrong with that, the same sentiment goe with him too.

A bad thing happened between the two of us when we were caught sleeping together (not sex damn you) and then people begun speculating, giving comments, spreading rumors and every disgusting things that you can think of (sex included).

Then I have to make a move. I talked to him and told him that we should separate ways in order to protect him from their "heavenly" speculations. I kept it a secret up to now. I didn't told anybody what was it between the two of us. Only alfred and i knows about it.

And so i stayed in the dark room without him. It was nothing but sadness that i felt. Yes i did found some new friends but they were of no comparison to what Alfred has given me for the last months of our friendship. From then on i know i am doomed to be lonely and left alone. I may have brought smiles to just about anybody in the class, even to Alfred. But not to myself. Sure it was Sadness that accompanied me until graduation in March of 1997 came.

And then I have to go on with the thing called life. I had a girlfriend, i graduated college, i broke up with my girlfriend, i discovered more about my sexuality, i involved myself in writing, get serious sometimes during college, engaged in sexual activities, had bfs, had gfs. But Alfred would always be there on the backdrop of my mind. Because he was an unfinished business, I had an unfinished memory of him.

By now, I am only mustering some of enough courage to face him and tell him, all the things that he missed about me (if he still thinks of such) and ask him of things that I did not get to see. Now that I have a family of my own and he has a family too, I am still looking forward to that very day that we would sit and talk about our abated friendship.

Alfred is supposed to be the friend that I have till now, until they all ripped us apart just like any other intermediate paper that is asked to be cut lengthwise or crosswise for a lengthy quiz. He was and still is the friend I am looking for for years. I was happy with him, I discovered myself with him and I got to know myself more when he is around. Am I foolish to task if at random times he still thinks of me? Or even remember our friendship?

Currently prior to hibernating he used to text me, forwarded sms, at times just to say hi and how are you. But then there were also months of no-sms from him. If ever there is some courage in me to face him again, all is ruined by the very thought of him turning his back on me.

I am scared and worried.

Bottom line is, I miss the guy more than I miss myself.

A blogging rebound (repost)

I told myself some five years ago, that in order for me to retain whatever writing skill I have, I should to maintain some journal or a diary so that I could express some things and thoughts on my mind.

However, time has been so selfish. I find it hard to again familiarize myself with letters and manipulate them. If such would be the predicament, I'll be defeated by Numbers and Letters and the next thing I knew they would be surging forward towards me and reduce me to rubles. But before they do that to me, let me prove my self then.

Well, early on, I was interviewed for a job (for the nth time) that I find both exciting and challenging unlike the current job. Not that I am tired of interviews, it's just that I do not know in what part of it I fail? Yes I do have my share of failures in job applications. Don't ask me how many times I failed, I just want to be honest that after five years of leaving school, the job I did not applied for in 2003 is still my job right now in 2008. Get the thought?

Although not of all the interviews of mine failed me. The University of the Philippines - School of Economics has recently approved my application to enter their ground and study Masters in Development Economics.

Prior to that I already have doubts I can ever pass the admissions exams and interview. Yes another oral exam. After the interview conducted by She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, I already raised the white flag. She was never a minute impressed of my academic track records. She was even doubtful of the results of the thesis which I have written and earned me an award. My castle are now sands as I exit her door although with still a cup full of hopes within my sleeves.

But just as I thought that the UPSE interview would add up to the statistics of my failures in interview, the UPSE sent me a positive note. Yehey! I am now on track and am continuing my Balik Aral.

A lesson learned after almost five years in government: Don't wait the hands of the clock to reach 5 PM, you'll get so so bored. I am saying this without remorse. To enable yourself to avail of a career growth in government, you must be able to castrate the office with obsolete people after then can you climb the career ladder. But I am not going to wait for that thing to happen. Good things are not given on a silver platter. One must strive in order to grab a food to eat.

Be that as it may, my five-year stint in government has opened my eyes into lots of possibilities and impossibilities, corruption (small time and big time), the principles of of politics, a terroristic department head and ugly local politics which has sowed a culture of patronage and dynasty.

Again, I will try my best to write about my five-year civil service experience in order to open up some closed eyes and make some people realize in what mud they are in right now.

Wish me luck.

The Sea washed my Apples away

I laid my Apples on the sand
To take a warm bathe in the
Sea It took me all courage and might
Before I enjoyed the swim.

The warm Sea gave me comfort and heat
Soothing my pained and stressed life
Relieving me from the worries of the past
And conflicts of the present time.

I remembered how relaxed I was whenever I am soaked
The splashing waves massage my body
The salty liquid makes me grin
And leaves an indelible smile.

I can hear the Sea crying, roaring his secrets to my ear
Banging me with the constant currents
The Sea confides with me,
Telling me his dreams, his wants, his stories I can only be there to listen

To stay and swim, and be a friend.
Abruptly, I rose from his loving arms
And attempted to rest on the sand
And eat some of my Apples

Still beside the beach.
A sigh of pleasant grief!
Now I blissfully mourn
Gone are the shiny, wild Apples

The fruits are washed by the friendly Sea.
In disappointment I wept
There she floated with him
Eaten whole and selfishly

By the companion I thought to be.
She was ravaged by the amiable Sea
The crimson, sweet Apple
And I can only cry
With joyous tears in my eyes,
I say She is no longer for me.

Idle Times

These are idle times. I am quite sure of that.

And I wish that the times would usher into me a spirit to fill these void spaces of my blog.

Wish me luck. For now I will be posting some not so old things that I've written...

See you soon!