The Other Friend

WORRIED.

Days after my birthday I got a strange sms from one of my classmates in high school. It was a shocking news to hear that my former high school buddy, Alfred Mendoza y Ortiz met an accident while on board a motorcyle somewhere in Agdangan, Quezon where he works for a construction firm.

It could have been any accident met by anybody I know. But Alfred was someone who I closely hold dear into my heart. His cranium (a part in his skeletal system or what we mostly know as skull) was fractured that brought severe effects on him. He was on coma for some days but was able to recover with only his left extremities paralyzed.

Days after that I found out that he's already home resting and recovering from the accident. I was, of course, worried and sad about his fate, but there is really nothing that I can do but to pray for his fast recovery.

If you would ask me if I bother visit him in the hospital, I did not. for some reasons that I have hidden deep in my heart and mind.

THE STORY THAT WAS ALFRED

I met Alfred when I was freshman in high school. He was sure a cute guy that almost all admired and looked to with a smile. He was snappy, neat, smarty casual and appealing. He was from Manila, from Tondo to be specific, where he graduated from elementary. He told that me has no father anymore because he died when he was still young. He has four siblings and the second among the brood.

When we were in our high school, he would always join my barkada (I'm not going to mention them here) because he likes it when I play jokes and just be myself and play with them. Then he told me one day that he really wanted to be with me always because it was all fun and all happy whenever he's with me. So i welcomed him like a brother. That was how it used to be until when we're in our second year in high school.

In our Sophomore year, we would be together almost every single day. We would eat lunch together, go to recess, do our homework, projects and just about any other things in class, even outside the school. Stroll the city suburb, go to parks and garden, play chess and arcade. We would go to my place or his place whenever shortened period every Friday would come and just hang out with each other's company. We were close buddies that all, I assumed and I assumed correctly, were not giving this a good credit. But I don't need that. The important thing is we are happy as very close friends.

He was such a nice friend. He was so generous of everything that he has, time and attention included. It was only Alfred and Ysrael then when we were in high school. no more or less. But there's no romantic things between us, just plain friends.

But then I forgot to entertain other people inside the class. They would become jealous how Alfred and i were going on for the last 5 months of class because we tend to seclude them from our friendship. It's because we're best of friends and I see nothing wrong with that, the same sentiment goe with him too.

A bad thing happened between the two of us when we were caught sleeping together (not sex damn you) and then people begun speculating, giving comments, spreading rumors and every disgusting things that you can think of (sex included).

Then I have to make a move. I talked to him and told him that we should separate ways in order to protect him from their "heavenly" speculations. I kept it a secret up to now. I didn't told anybody what was it between the two of us. Only alfred and i knows about it.

And so i stayed in the dark room without him. It was nothing but sadness that i felt. Yes i did found some new friends but they were of no comparison to what Alfred has given me for the last months of our friendship. From then on i know i am doomed to be lonely and left alone. I may have brought smiles to just about anybody in the class, even to Alfred. But not to myself. Sure it was Sadness that accompanied me until graduation in March of 1997 came.

And then I have to go on with the thing called life. I had a girlfriend, i graduated college, i broke up with my girlfriend, i discovered more about my sexuality, i involved myself in writing, get serious sometimes during college, engaged in sexual activities, had bfs, had gfs. But Alfred would always be there on the backdrop of my mind. Because he was an unfinished business, I had an unfinished memory of him.

By now, I am only mustering some of enough courage to face him and tell him, all the things that he missed about me (if he still thinks of such) and ask him of things that I did not get to see. Now that I have a family of my own and he has a family too, I am still looking forward to that very day that we would sit and talk about our abated friendship.

Alfred is supposed to be the friend that I have till now, until they all ripped us apart just like any other intermediate paper that is asked to be cut lengthwise or crosswise for a lengthy quiz. He was and still is the friend I am looking for for years. I was happy with him, I discovered myself with him and I got to know myself more when he is around. Am I foolish to task if at random times he still thinks of me? Or even remember our friendship?

Currently prior to hibernating he used to text me, forwarded sms, at times just to say hi and how are you. But then there were also months of no-sms from him. If ever there is some courage in me to face him again, all is ruined by the very thought of him turning his back on me.

I am scared and worried.

Bottom line is, I miss the guy more than I miss myself.